


The Quiet Moments

by emilyevanston



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, I made Infinity War Worse, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve Rogers is sad all the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 22:09:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15760692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyevanston/pseuds/emilyevanston
Summary: It is only when he’s alone that Steve is able to grieve until he meets you and is able to drop his role as Captain America.





	The Quiet Moments

It was in the quiet moments he could grieve.  When the people who were left had exhausted themselves trying to work out what to do.  When he placed a blanket on Bruce as he slumped over a desk, passing out as he tried to solve the problem of time travel with Shuri.  When he carried Natasha to bed after spending hours on the phone talking Clint through what happened and trying to get him calm down even though all she wanted to do was track Thanos down and tear him apart with her bare hands.  It came when he told Rhodey he should get some rest after he spent the entire day attempting to contact every single person he could think of that might be able to help.

Steve wasn’t allowed grief.  He was the leader.  People looked to him and expected answers.  They expected him to know what to do next.  To have a clear plan to fix what was wrong and move forward.  When he had no answer he had to hold it together and act like there was one and they just needed to find it.  He had to work.  Be the leader.  Be the strong one.  No matter what.

It didn’t matter if your best friend fell to his death trying to protect him.  That he fell and it was all Steve’s fault.  That Steve couldn’t move fast enough to catch him.  That he shouldn’t have even asked him to come along in the first place because he’d obviously been traumatized by his time as a POW and if Steve hadn’t been so fucking selfish he would be home and safe and not falling and falling, screaming his name.  Even then he had to stay strong.  Respect his choice.  Be the symbol of how they would win the war.  The leader.  The guy to follow.  The guy who would win the war.  There was no place for him to grieve.  Only in the broken rubble of the bar where he convinced his best friend to follow him to his death could he weep.

Steve couldn’t grieve when he woke in the new world alone and out of place.  Everything and everyone he had ever known lost to the ravages of time.  He couldn’t grieve when he found the very thing he had died trying to destroy was being used as a portal to travel in time.  All he could do was put on the red white and blue suit and be the Captain again.  Be the leader despite the fact he had no idea what was happening.  Despite the fact that he had only really lived 27 years and everyone he was working with was older and more experienced with him.

There was no time to grieve when he discovered that his best friend hadn’t died, but instead had been captured again and tortured and brainwashed.  Turning him into the very thing he’d fought to stop.  Turning him against Steve.  He couldn’t grieve despite it once again being his fault. He should have looked.  Why didn’t he look?  Instead, he had to stand tall once again and tell the world he would be their hope.  He would protect them and lead them.

He couldn’t grieve for Wanda when she lost her brother under his watch.  Nor when she blamed herself for his mistake.  He couldn’t grieve for Bucky yet again when he was captured and turned into a weapon solely to break up the family Steve had been scraping together.  He barely had time to grieve for his old love at her funeral because as soon as it was over the life he had build fell apart.

It was only when he was alone at night when everyone else was asleep that he could let his guard down.  When everything had fallen apart and Bucky went back on the ice and he was in Wakanda alone again he cried in the shower over the myriad of things he had lost.  Then he picked himself up, gathered his remaining friends and kept on leading.  Because even with nothing the world was still falling apart and he still had to be the strong one.

It wasn’t until after a mission one day, when he, Natasha, Wanda, and Sam had gone to a bar to feign unwinding that things started to change.  That was when he met you.  He hadn’t meant to fall in love, but then whoever does?

You were easy to love.  You had a way about you that calmed people.  Made them open up.  It was what made you a good bartender.  It was what made him come back the next night, and the night after that and so on until you became his home that he returned to.  Even on the run.  Even wanted.  He came to you and he relaxed.  He remembered the man he was.  The man outside of Captain America.

Even though he couldn’t always be with you, he had missions to complete and a team to lead, he still returned to Wakanda regularly to check on Bucky, you were his home.  It was with you he felt safe to grieve.  You never judged his tears.  You never tried to tell him to be strong.  With you, he could be weak.  Which in turn made him able to go on.  To pick himself back up and keep fighting for what was right.

When the call came from Bruce he was sleeping deeply, curled into you, his head resting on your chest.  He’d woke startled unsure of what was making the sound and when he finally realized it was the flip phone he carried around he was completely awake, sitting up straight and almost having slipped into the role of Captain America completely.  He listened to the message in silence his face becoming grimmer the longer the message played.  When he hung up the phone he stood and started pulling on his old word and tattered uniform.

You watched as he dressed and then grabbed his phone.  “Nat,”  He said.  “Bruce just called me.  I know.  He said Vision’s in trouble.  We need to find him.  I don’t know exactly he wasn’t making a lot of sense.  5 minutes.”

He then came over to you and kissed you softly.  “Duty calls.  I’ll call you when the dust settles.”

You gave his arm a squeeze.  “Look after yourself.”

Then the world fell apart.  He had to keep fighting when Thanos ripped the soul gem from Vision’s head right in front of Wanda.  There was no time to grieve when he saw Bucky turn to dust in front of his very eyes.  Nor again when he couldn’t find Sam.  Nor when he found Vision’s body dark and covered in the dust of Wanda’s body.  Nor when he received news that T’Challa had been taken too.  All eyes turned to him.  He had to be the leader again.  He had to know what to do next.  What the next plan of attack was.  Yet all he knew was that they had lost and he had once again watched his best friend die in front of his eyes.

Steve picked up the phone to call you.  It was the tenth time since he had gotten back to the palace that he’d tried.  He stood waiting and praying you would pick up this time.  Alone, in the dark, the rest of the team finally sleeping he listened to the sound of your voice telling him that you can’t take the call, and he grieved.


End file.
